How to Solve Trans Dating
I'm on the outside looking in for the most part. I've never been in a serious relationship with a transwoman or gay man. But I've talked with more than enough about the topic. I've noticed some patterns which could help transgendered people (primarily Black transwomen) who desire marriage or other long-term companionship achieve those goals.
Yes, I've already shared my criticism towards homophobes, transphobes, and the debate over whether we should allow females versus transwomen in sports.
Heal and Mature Before Seeking a Relationship
I understand many common challenges trans people must face to truly heal. Gay and trans hate crimes happen. Many gays were molested or introduced to sex some other way at a very young age. Some are being excessive about their sexuality just to feel part of a community. Many (especially Black) transwomen revert to sex work because they struggle to get a regular job. Some commit to bad partners to combat loneliness and homelessness. Gay relationships have high rates of intimate partner violence (IPV) / domestic violence. All of these increase the possibility of being raped.
These experiences create life-long trauma, but you can mitigate how much it affects you on a regular day with therapy, self-reflection, and intentional daily growth. It is hard work, especially when lacking a true support system (especially in the military community)and trying to stay afloat financially. I usually start by telling trans folks to stop calling themselves "tranny," "shemale," and the new one "transformer" to show themselves more respect. I sometimes remember to include "queer," but that's for all gays. "Queer" was an insult up until "LGBT" transformed to "LGBTQIA+."
Just like Blacks saying "nigger" (and Black men "boy"), calling yourself derogatory slurs doesn't lessen the sting when someone uses those same words to address you. You're just feeding yourself self-hatred to contradict anything you might be doing to improve your self-esteem and integrity. At least, that's my perspective on self-respect.
I know many transwomen who, just like women, feel comfortable saying misandrist crap like "all men are the same" and "men ain't shit." But of course, they all wanted a relationship with a man, a masculine good man. The Black women who do this with Black men misunderstand or ignore anti-Black misandry. Meanwhile, the transwomen who do this focus too much on appearance and personality (e.g., Janelle Black), ignoring the fact that most men do want a woman who wants to be a wife and mother, who can also bear children. It is simply difficult for a lot of good, stable men to find a woman worth the risk of being divorced and forced to pay child support without access to their child(ren). None of that justifies belittling men who have standards you can't meet and refuse to appease you.
Insulting the men that like you by calling them "tranny chasers" doesn't help you. Calling men "transphobic" for not dating a transwoman in an attempt to shame us into approaching you won't work. It only increases the animosity between trans and straights. Adding on to what I stated earlier about self-respect, the term alludes to you hating yourself and thinking less of the men most likely to consider you for a long-term relationship (LTR).
You probably rolled your eyes to that last sentence while thinking of the men in your DMs seeking a secret "experience." Some of those guys might not be down-low (DL) or just seeking sex, though. They might just be more discreet. If you never give a guy a chance to show his true intention, or reach out to someone who you think might be interested in you, how will you find a lover?
Something to think about: misandrist transwomen are often perceived as feminine gay men full of self-hatred who project that negativity onto heterosexuals, and hate what they are at their biological core - chromosomal XY males. The two conflicts below include a misandrist transwoman and feminine man against masculine, straight men. Transmen, look up why Norah Vincent committed assisted suicide.
Stop Trying to "Turn Out" Straight Men (and Women)
I've neglected transmen, though much of what I've said applies to them as well. I'll state it here in case you haven't read my transphobia blog: you should tell people that you are trans.
"But I want [him/her] to know my personality before I tell them that I'm trans."
You want someone to love you for who you are? Being trans is a major part of that. It can conflict with your love interest's non-negotiables - spiritual beliefs, preference for kids, sexuality. If a potential partner doesn't know that, they don't know you. Lying by omission, knowing all of this, doesn't fix the issue. It only shows that you're more focused on control and your insecurities more than truly getting to know each other and what your interest might prioritize.
I say tell them at the start of the conversation. If you're afraid to do so at that time, you need to address that the first chance you get while at a safe location. If they figure it out on their own, you've already lost their trust. If you're really unlucky, you might lose more.
Many argue that having sex with someone without telling them of your biological sex/gender/composition is rape. That isn't the case legally (yet at least), but definitely in the sense of the definition - "incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception." Source: Merriam-Webster.com.
Don't Rely on Looks to Keep a Man
Looks aren't everything. Men know that a lot of transwomen and women can work wonders with make-up, body fat adjusters like corsets and pants that shape your body fat, Snapchat filters, clever photography angles, and invasive surgeries. There's also the increased popularity of transwomen saying aloud that they don't tell men that they're trans. Two decent examples: Grace Hyland and Rose Marie (NSFW). Ms. Marie deleted the Tik Tok video, titled "Why Would I Tell," after I initially released this blog post. The Twitter post leaves no room for interpretation.
"Why Would I Tell Them My Tea ? Naw I’m Good Don’t Got To 😂🥰 Switch These Niggas Out Girls"
Add to that Reddit and 4chan "passgen" threads with stunning "before and after" pics and increased news reports about trans murders, nevermind trans murderers. Men are more cautious about whether a women is actually a transwoman, along with any other personal standards.
The cosmetic stuff is working less and less for American women trying to attract good men who want traditional families. Why would it work for transwomen? To reiterate, focus on self-love first.
Stop Trying to Replace Women
Contrary to popular belief, as I've explained multiple times, many American men still want traditional families with women who are respectful and want to be wives and mothers. That's why some are going overseas (Passport kings or bros) while others are opting out of dating altogether.
Quick suggestion: look for men who do not want children, only long-term partnership. Stop focusing on finding a man who doesn't want anything to do with your male genitalia.
Detransition
I know. I know. You probably risked a lot of money, time, and relationships to transition, especially those from highly religious families and regions with high LGBT oppression. But if you want a family, you don't have to stubbornly persist on the trans path. More people than you might realize understand that teen boys and girls are being encouraged to transition by parents, gender-affirming therapists, mainstream media, and extremist trans folks who aren't totally honest about life as a gay or trans person.
Transwomen, here's a heart-breaking detransitioner interview by transwoman Blaire White.
Transmen, check out Cass Eris's commentary series on Abigail Shrier's "Irreversible Damage" book.
I'm on Twitter if you want to discuss anything.
Tags: lgbt, relationships
